Chuck vs Venting
by unimaginative pseudonym
Summary: Alternate ending to episode 13 I think it was. Mainly just angsty garbage resulting from my at the time frustrations with the show. You have been warned.


Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Relevant Disclaimer: This is random junk found on my computer written after whatever episode it was. It is unbeata'd and probably a grammatical mine field. Merely me venting my annoyance at the contrived bull that had plagued the show and the way they decided to rectify it. That said I felt alot better about the rest of the season mostly just wished they hadn't wasted as many episodes as they did.

* * *

Chuck couldn't believe it. He'd been convinced he was going to lose her forever. That because he hadn't been good enough, strong enough to take on Shaw that she was gone. God it had been so close. His eyes closed he hugged the limp weight firmly to his chest, his head nestled in her hair. Savoring the unique scent of vanilla and something indefinable that was quintessentially Sarah.

His racing heart slowed as he felt the steady beat of her's and the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He wasn't sure how long he walked for but eventually he found Casey who ushered him inside a car.

* * *

Standing at the foot of the bed gazing down at her tucked under the soft sheet her face relaxed her eyes closed Chuck finally allowed himself to relax. To acknowledge the ache in his arms and back. Sighing he sank into a chair that was far to fancy for his tastes.

Everything had changed so quickly thinking he'd lost Sarah to Shaw for sure, her telling him she loved him, finding out Shaw had betrayed them, almost losing Sarah, killing Shaw. His mind ground to a halt with that last fact. Oh dear god he'd killed him. Chuck could feel everything he'd ever wanted, everything he thought he finally had being cruelly jerked from his grasp.

It felt as if someone had ripped his heart from his chest. Unable to control himself he hung his head and wept silently into his hands. It was all over. Nothing mattered he had still lost.

* * *

Sarah's alive. Sarah's alive. Sarah's alive. Repeating that one thought eventually stopped his tears. Nothing mattered in comparison to that. He could live with the consequences for her. Gathering himself he rose to his feet. Steadying his legs, despite his best intentions the emotions roiling just beneath the surface.

Taking another deep breathe he forced everything deeper, burying it until it was merely a dull throb. Stepping closer to the bed the image of her so at peace threatened to undo his efforts. He took comfort in the fact that this was merely closure. That he'd already come to terms with the hardest part.

Kneeling beside her he stayed silently resiting the urge to reach out and touch her. To hold her hand, to brush a stray curl off her face.

"Sarah" he said softly "I'm not sorry, I wish I could be but it was him or you and that will never be a choice for me. I regret that there wasn't another way that I wasn't good enough to stop him earlier, that his death means you can no longer love me." His voice choking up at the end.

"I wish I could some how convince you that I'm still me. That I'm still worthy of your love. God I tried to convince you of that after you thought I'd done my red test. I couldn't I put everything I had to into that, put myself out there left no option untried. It wasn't enough and that's not your fault it's mine I should have realized that staying untarnished by the dark side of this business was the only way I could compete with guys like Bryce, Cole and who you thought Shaw was."

"I should have gone with you in Prague, but I couldn't. I wish it was purely because it was the right thing to do. It wasn't fully, at the back of my mind there was doubt. Doubt that you could love me that you could continue to love me when the thrill faded. I wanted to become someone worthy of you."

"I couldn't, even with the intersect, even after all the training and missions, Shaw was still was able to take me. I promise I'll devote myself to mastering this Sarah. But even if I eventually do though the price will still have been to high."

"Despite that I can not regret taking Shaw's life. I'd rather lose your love than live in a world where you don't exist. I'm sorry Sarah I wish I could have been more for you."

"I won't be Beckman's puppet I'll do what I have to but I'll do it alone. I won't let bureaucracy or political maneuvering get in the way. I'll drop off the grid fight them as best I can, cut all ties make this sacrifice count. I'll finish this or die trying and when I'm done if I'm still alive maybe I'll slip away, vanish. Find a new place start again. Try and forget ..." The you going unsaid.

Finished Chuck gently touched his lips to her forehead before standing quickly and half running out of the room.

* * *

Sarah couldn't move and as far as she was concerned she didn't want to. After the terror and helplessness of Shaw's betrayal. After knowing without a doubt she was about to die, she was safe. Wrapped in Chuck's arms, held firmly against his chest Sarah finally felt at peace. Safe. Home.

Sarah awoke here eyes closed and her body paralyzed. She was warm her body covered in some smooth material her head resting on something soft. A bed she decided wherever she was she was in a bed. That smell, Chuck's smell was seemingly all around her. Either he was still here or had just left.

Thoughts of beds and Chuck flashed through her mind. She would have blushed scarlet if she could have. How long for this stuff to wear off. Attempting to move anything and everything failed. Sighing mentally Sarah went back to thoughts of Chuck. He'd saved her. It wasn't the first time but before she'd always been conscious could have done something herself not so in this case. If he hadn't killed Shaw there would have been nothing she could do but go with the flow. A mental shudder at her horrible pun and thoughts of the dark cold current.

The sound of gentle tears caught her attention. She could feel her heart breaking as she realized the only person it could be. So close but yet for all that he might as well have been on the moon. All she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him and comfort him. Tell him that it was alright that they'd get through it together. She felt a passing wave of guilt when she remembered how she'd treated him after his first red test. Ignoring his calls, dodging him leaving him to cope alone.

She'd make up for it. At least if he'd let her. Would he. She'd felt the enormity of the guilt involved when she thought it was a simple traitor. Yet when she'd learned it had been Shaw's wife it had been overwhelming. That guilt had clearly clouded her instincts.

What if Chuck couldn't look at her anymore. What if she was just a living reminder of the worst moment of his life. She was panicking if she could she'd be hyperventilating. The mental panic without the physical manifestation felt beyond strange and all the more terrifying.

Footsteps brought her back to the now, he was moving the crying had stopped. That had to be a good thing right.

Then he opened his mouth.

Sarah wanted to scream she struggled to move, to tackle him, shout at him he was wrong. Nothing she lay there like a puppet with it's strings cut. He really thought that little of her. That she could be that hypocritical.

Why couldn't he, it was everything she'd ever told him. The aberrations were the stolen kisses and kind words. The standard was indifference and coldness.

God he was leaving and not just temporarily, dropping off the grid Beckman would sanction him it was a suicide mission he wasn't coming back.

Struggling vainly against her treacherous body Sarah felt her heart shattering as the minutes passed and he got further away.

Casey came in shortly and stood by her for a moment before grunting and turning on a TV. Hours passed before she could so much crack an eye lid, sweat was beading on her forehead before she managed her first chocked utterance. "uck"

Casey's trained responses kicked in at the unexpected sound as he surveyed the room before ascertaining her as the source of the noise. Thank god there was still time. Time to track him down before the trail went cold before Beckman …" She couldn't finish that thought she had to focus.

"Your one tough cookie Walker. Should be hours before you can do anything, but stop showing off you'll only slow down your recovery.

"Huck"

Staring quizzically at her for a moment Casey suddenly let out a disgusted grunt. "Your boy toy is out running down some computer leads and asked me to keep an eye on you while your indisposed. He'll be back by tomorrow well today I guess now" as he glanced at a clock.

"Huck"

"Calm down Walker, I didn't want to do this but you need to rest you'll sleep for the next 12 hours or so but wake up good as new I promise." He said as he reached into a black case.

"Huck, Uck, Uc" Sarah desperately tried to speak.

"You can see Uck in the morning, now time for bed" as he pushed the syringe into her arm and everything went black.


End file.
